Remember where you belong
When I was 14...
Between the age of 14 and 15, I felt my world was crumbling. My parents were divorcing and my mums heartache broke my little heart, but mostly, I felt like I didn't belong at high school - that place that seemed like our whole world, right? My best friend (best, best, best!) moved overseas at 12 and I now understand we were soul sisters, and still are. She left just before I began high school, and for both of us it was catastrophic to know we would be doing BIG school without each other. It hurt, bad.
Now I didn't feel popular in primary school, but I had my bestie, so entering high school was scary and I felt so small. Not cool enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough... I remember times when my group of friends would have little fights and it would seem like there would be a flavour of the month, every day, and this is just how little girls are, but it would leave an aching in my chest to think I wouldn't be able to connect with the girls closest to me, I might not be safe. I would worry about this, a lot. I really, really wanted to be accepted and valued. Like, who would I be without my school friends?
One of the regular moments was my morning bus ride and arrival at school a whole five minutes before my group of friends! I used to dread this, the moment of being alone in the playground, feeling separate. So awkward and embarrassing right?! The truth is, I really wanted to be popular, wherever I went, and I never ever did feel "popular" (my ego would tell me, nope, you're just not good enough Amy).
The pain and shear terror of not fitting in was pretty unbearable for me. I think that's why I turned to relationships, where I could be validated and accepted, at least for a little while.
then i remembered...
Last week, and years later, with many beautiful friends and family around me, I found myself feeling that sense of being alone again, it was so familiar. So much has changed and shifted, and my spiritual journey has unraveled the boundaries from my spirit and true self at light speed and continues to every day (its an infinite journey!). I am no longer my corporate identity and have been discovering where I desire to belong in the Wellness Industry. In a recent session with my dear friend Alice, Chiro and Integrated Practitioner, I felt a huge rush of frustration and anger toward a women that I've admired for years, a public figure in wellness. This was coming from a recent interaction I had with her, where I felt really small and like she wasn't interested in speaking with me (my stuff, not hers!). I felt like I was back at school, not popular...
At first, admitting some of this stuff to another human, feels quite confronting, but now, since Alice and I have worked together for a good chunk of time, I know its all part of the process, admitting my stuff and letting it go. After clearing this belief from when I was 15, I remembered...
My worth, my sense of belonging, acceptance and validation, doesn't come from anywhere outside of myself, ever. It is right within my heart, all the time. I just need to go there x
After working through this realisation, I take a few deep long breaths, and instantly feel myself again, I feel truth. Sometimes it takes us a while to notice our patterns and actually free ourselves from them, but it is such a liberating experiencing to learn these lessons as an adult. I become more of me, every single time.
The truth is, this isn't a competition, or a race to the top. Every single human is a unique expression of spirit, and we are all required in this world. The journey of evolution for my soul is a continuous deepening inside of me, it is so sacred and completely unique to me, so how on earth could I compare it to anyone else's journey or story? I belong to me, right within my heart. Its always here for me, ready and waiting patiently. Waiting for me to blossom and share unbounded love with the world.
The scariest thing about being someone else, is not being myself, because I wouldn't exist and my chance at this crazy human experience wouldn't be possible! That's way more scary than not being accepted by the popular girl, right?
Today, this remembrance is all I need. Here, I find freedom in knowing I don't have to be like anyone else. Now, back to being me x