Honouring my heart, removing my breast implants

I have a pretty tender piece to share with you today. Three weeks ago, after a year of creating the possibility to do so financially, I had my breast implants removed nine years after having a breast augmentation.

Why?

There was no issue and no surgical problem with my implants, physically. Well, my body was changing and hormones were impacting the size. But really, this was a truth I had to come to, over time.

To get to the reasons why, there's a bit of back story!

I've been learning so much about proactively creating my dreams and what's very evident is it takes being in full integrity with yourself to create what you truly desire. That's why the way I’ll share this story is from the perspective of being the creator of my life, rather than a victim of it. I've learnt that I have to own my experiences - both the light and the dark ones, to create real freedom for myself and others. So, the truths gotta be told, it's that simple!

This stuff I'll share didn’t ‘happen to me’, it was the path I chose to experience my own evolution and growth. This doesn't excuse any other parties behaviour, nor does it lessen the impact they had on my life, but it's important to understand that I take full responsibility for the particular lessons I've been learning along the way. 

When I was 21, I was experiencing prolonged post-traumatic stress after a pretty yucky relationship, I only understand this now after a good 5 year period of transformation and healing. I didn’t have the tools or the awareness to understand what was happening at the time, but I knew it wasn’t good.

The teen years, relationships and my body ideas

At 14, I didn't believe I was worthy of love, and even earlier, as a child as young as 8, I had learned through society and schooling that I wasn’t safe to share who I really was. I thought people wanted me to be the good girl, perfect, and so that’s what I upheld.

My parents eventually, after trying their best, separated. My dad had a few years off parenting, so we didn’t have a relationship in my late teens, and I'm the oldest of three so I became the bossy one! I felt pretty abandoned, but this taught me so much about the importance of loving myself and having compassion for everyone's ride through life. We all learn from somewhere. I'm genuinely so grateful everything took place as it did, but it did take me some time to get here.

As I entered my teens, my poison was attaching myself to boyfriends and boys/men in general, there was a neediness here - a way to feel protected. I always wanted a boyfriend from such a young age, I dreamt of fairy-tales and romances and deeply wished for someone to love me and kiss and cuddle me. Pretty sure that's every girl, let's be real!

Early on, I became pretty addicted to checking myself in the mirror to see if I would be good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough for a boyfriend. This was just one of the tracks in the mind that masked and distracted me from my dreams, sensitivity and ultimate knowing of my mystic nature and intuition.

I can see that as a child I was being ‘woken up’, my imagination was vivid until I became a teenager, probably when I started my cycle at 12. Instead of honouring this time, I learnt to try to hide it, I learnt it was messy and not part of being a perfect little girl - gosh if only I knew what I know now!

I’m not sure of the exact age, but it was around this time, that in an awake/sleep state I saw three blue formations of energy (light blue translucent energy) in the room opposite mine in my family home. These were certainly not anything I had seen before and did resemble some kind of cosmic being. My breath got heavy, I freaked out and hid under the sheets. My heart absolutely racing, similar to how it races now when I touch on a red hot truth or intuitive knowing. This is likely when I shut down my intuition, because I thought I was going crazy and who would like me if I was crazy and different? 

Rewind back to 17, I had attracted the perfect partner (before I started Uni) to experience heartbreak, rejection, disempowerment, betrayal and emotional abuse - to name a few. This was the biggest learning of my life yet.

I had experienced what it’s like to feel unlovable, unworthy and not good enough. I was in this relationship for four years, and I was pissed off yet I stayed. I was unfaithful, because I was angry, and I thought I didn’t even deserve this relationship, even with the painful experiences. My young self, totally confused! I kept staying when I knew it wasn’t right for me. I stayed and stayed.

Eventually, in my defiance, I demanded it was over, and I was met with the total undoing of this person, in an attempt to take his own life to prevent me from walking away. When this happened, my world crumbled in confusion and I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame, at 21. His attempt wasn’t successful, but his pain was incredibly strong he attempted it a few more times, still unsuccessful - thank god, I wouldn't wish this for anyone, at all. He is still on earth, and I’m grateful for this and have so much compassion for him now, knowing that he's going through his own healing and journey. Naturally, though, my heart was hurting and needing some protection, as I'm sure he did too. The dramatic events (stalking and bullying) continued for another year, I felt trapped and alone, big time.

Please understand,

I chose this experience to know freedom, to know my values and to know forgiveness.

I chose this experience to come back to loving myself and honouring the darkness that is within all of us, including me.

I chose this to create the catalyst for me to ultimately find my passion and purpose and to help serve in the best way I can - with love.

I am so grateful for all of it.

I hope that is ok for me to say, and if you're not there in your trauma, that is totally ok and I completely understand. I've spent years healing to come to this clarity, and it's purely my truth. Honour what feels aligned for you.

Back to the breast implants.

From a young age, I didn’t feel my breasts were acceptable, I had a nickname at school because I was very developed at a young age, boys at school knew more of my physicality then they did my personality and this created a persona over my high school years.

Like when I was a child and learnt to be a 'good girl', in my teenage years I began to use my sexuality for acceptance. This is just the truth of it, young girls are confused and don’t know how to truly love who they are, so they find a way to be loved - for me, it was to get attention from boys.

I felt getting a breast augmentation would bring me into a new phase of life since the relationship dramas were almost over, and I could get my confidence back and some kind of freedom.

The thing is, I knew deep down I could be happy, confident, and strong. I knew that was who I was, I was just confused with how to get there, so I had surgery. I was considering just having the augmentation to reposition things, and make me feel more comfortable with the shape and size of my breasts so I was more in proportion with my body, but I became enticed to get implants after speaking with the surgeon, and feeling like they wouldn’t be ‘perfect’ unless I did this. So, I did. I wanted perfection, again I had learnt (through marketing and society) that's what the world wants young girls to be...

After surgery, almost immediately I felt a surge of confidence, I felt better, I felt powerful - but the shadow side was I was wanting more attention, validation and praise. It kept me in that cycle of expecting someone outside of myself to make me feel better about who I was - a bandaid.

At the time I had the implants put in, I was really anxious and didn’t really know it. I have so much compassion for this younger version of me at 21 that was so scared and alone, and deeply wanted to know she was ok and safe to be in the world, and that she could be loved. I feel this is at the core of any women that is considering changing her body superficially (excluding women who have experienced breast cancer, this is a totally different experience in this case and can be deeply healing).

In a way, the implants had kept me locked into an element of that experience 9 years ago and even though my emotional and mental state has completely shifted, this was another opportunity to release EVERYTHING that is no longer me - all old beliefs, and stuck emotions began to be processed from the inside, out. I feel a very intense 'letting go' of that stuff. It's pretty epic. 

It's been like cleaning out the house and not leaving any stone unturned. All illusion - gone!!!

Don't get me wrong. For the past nine years, my implants and surgery have been a blessing.

I found hope in my surgery.

I found confidence, even if superficial. It did help me through.

I found beauty in my body.

However, there is a shadowy underbelly that comes with placing anything over your heart and its intelligence. Now after becoming certified in Energy and Soul Medicine and working with numerous clients experiencing anxiety and intense emotions, I know so well the power of the vibrational field of the heart. The coherence of the heart to lead us to our truth, and the impact of an ‘open’ energetic heart in experiencing real, genuine, love of self. If we can’t experience ourselves as love, we can’t circulate love into the world, and I’m convinced that circulation of love is how we can impact and create change that we all wish to see happen in our lifetime!

For anyone that knows me, you might know my passion is to support women to ‘unlock their hearts’ and experience Inner Freedom to speak their truth and release their insecurities and anxieties, so they can live their greatest life - and have fun! How interesting, my passion is open-heartedness yet I was living with a closed heart with my implants as protection? It was pretty evident they had to go! 

I had created a reality where it wasn’t safe for me to have a FULLY open heart, and to feel. This is the key thing I’m learning since the implants were removed. I can really feel what is going on now, and I thought I could before! My intuition is intensely firing, I can feel my connections with people more, I can feel old traumas releasing, I can feel the impact of my choices and karmic cycles and am actively clearing them, I can feel energy more strongly. I can feel the spiritual realms and other dimensions, I'm getting much clearer guidance, my skin is clearer and my eyes are brighter. 

I can feel my true self and can get to know her now, but I've also got to dedicate myself to cleaning up what has been hidden for the past 9 years. I have to be ok with the mystery of the unknown spaces inside myself!

For me, after learning how powerful it is to feel our emotions and 'be with' our sensations, and teaching this to many clients and in workshops, I know the gift this represents, yet society has taught us to numb out with surgeries, medications, drugs, alcohol, food, tv, sex, social media, and endless choices online. Perhaps it's time to start feeling?

 
 Hayley Melrose photography

Hayley Melrose photography

 

To the woman that feels this story...

For the woman that is having trouble feeling her emotions and sensitivities - implants might seem like a fantastic choice. I totally get it. It’s so scary to really feel your heart and what she whispers to you as truth, but at the end of it all, after all of the internal conflict, you are only left with you, I’ve learnt this as a real, guttural internal experience. 

I have no other option now that I have intended to unveil my heart than to follow my truth and be guided by that in every moment. I know that if I attempt to go against my truth and my true needs, I will experience inner conflict, pain, discomfort and a feeling of instant betrayal. It happens so quickly now. Even though this is pretty full on, it really is a blessing. No more bullshit, basically!

So, removal of my implants has been a gift, but ladies, it has rocked me. It has forced me to die to all of the lies and illusions I have told myself, and I’ve had to totally surrender to that. I can't blame anyone or any circumstance for anything that takes place, it's that real. 

You cannot escape yourself, whether you get implants now and experience the healing trip that it takes you on, or you remove the ones you have.

Think about it, with compassion, is it better for you to protect your heart because you don’t feel safe to be vulnerable or is it better to tend to the feeling of not being safe and get support to evolve through that and grow your self-worth and self-love muscle? To honour yourself enough to do the inner work?

Please consider what I’m saying because the pain I have felt is immense. The resistance, the learnings, the self-denial and betrayal. It has brought me to my knees. This all stings more than anything else I’ve ever experienced but the upside is AMAZING! 

If you're having insecurities around your body, and you feel the answer is to change it with plastic surgery, please consider the deeper truth - perhaps you're not feeling worthy of the love that you are? 

If you hit that place and it makes you sad, that's ok, let yourself feel safe in your sadness and reach out to someone that can hold you in that, you are certainly not alone. Let yourself feel what you haven’t given yourself permission to feel perhaps for your whole life. It could be the perfect time to embrace this, especially if the alternatives aren't working.

Our feelings are the feminine medicine the world needs

Our feelings are not going to kill us, but I know first hand, sometimes it does seem that way. That is your mind, your control system is your ego, that part of you that feels like it might die if you reach your truth. The feeling of death and darkness isn’t YOU. You are your soul, your highest truth and deepest knowing, you are the light of who you are, the unconditional loving part of you. The feelings of death are feelings of your ego dissolving, and it's impermanent. This is actually a great thing because it means you are closer to freedom and you are healing, it will seem the opposite of that, but you will find you feel lighter after the dust settles, even if you feel strange for a while.

There is no way to avoid yourself in the long run, so how can you let go a little, put the shield down, let go of being so 'strong' and soften yourself into your real feminine essence? Because that moment of surrender IS THE MEDICINE for the world right now. Let’s support each other to BE that, to experience that and to become deeply present to what is really happening inside.

Do you need support or guidance?

If you are considering removal of your implants right now, and require support, want to talk or would like to explore private healing sessions with me, please reach out. I am so here to support and guide because I believe that women that decide to remove this implant, have key insights that will heal women all around them, in fact, if you are struggling with ANY body image issues, relationship troubles, self-confidence dramas and endless insecurities, I am here to guide. Don't hesitate if it feels right, email me at amy@shesgrace.org. You can read my reviews here

Please know, It's ok to change your mind. Even if your surgery is booked (but you have some doubts), or your worried about the financial investment you've made. Trust your gut with this one.

It's your responsibility and birthright to follow your truth, and if your truth right now is to have a surgery to change your body and feel better, than I honour you completely. This is the thing, my medicine is completely unique to yours, this is just an offering for anyone that resonates, because I would love to guide any women that feel this, to not make the same choices I did, that ultimately held me back from getting on my true path for almost a decade too long.

I can also help you to uncover what actually is true for you, to get the clarity if you're feeling intense confusion. Email me at amy@shesgrace.org if you want to talk through how I can support. I do sessions online and in person.

Now, I’m more connected to my truth than ever before and I am not the person I thought I would grow up to be. So, allow me to re-introduce myself!

Hi, my name's Amy! I'm a mystical woman, I'm a healer, I'm very open-minded, intuitive and living my souls work moment to moment. I'm also super ordinary, love to laugh until I cry, coffee, music, adventures and beach hangs. I'm willing to do whatever I'm guided to do now, no matter the consequences. I'm willing to be open to whatever wants to flow through me, and I'm committed to loving change!

 
 Hayley Melrose Photography

Hayley Melrose Photography

 

There is only one way, one option, and one choice - whether you choose it now or later, in this lifetime or the next - you’ve gotta choose your soul and let her lead you, she is your heart, your channel to pure grace. Truly. It’s the only way forward and it’s more magical and becoming than you can dream up at this moment. It's worth it if you care about freedom. It really is. 

Follow yourself, sister. Be your own guiding light. Trust yourself. You know what is best, promise.

Loving you in all of your light and dark shades.

Thank you for reading.

P.S no doubt I'll have so much more to share on this topic. Subscribe for blog updates to keep connected!

 Esther Miao Photography

Esther Miao Photography

May my heart always be my leading light, showing me the way of grace
— Rumi