My heart beats so hard, and heat rushes over my skin as I realise I’ve gotta go deeper and shine brighter so people can feel me more.
I start to sweat, but I'm not running anywhere. I'm staring out of my living room, at the sky, feeling the absolute burn of fear melting the core of me.
Fear that I won’t be able to make my dream real. Fear that I won’t be able to survive if I ditch my soul and go back to corporate. Fear that I have nowhere to go but through. Fear that I’ll not be able to feed myself. Fear that if I give up, hundreds and thousands of souls won’t get to experience specifically what I can bring them. My unique offerings.
I heard yesterday this idea about being in the ‘spiritual closet’ - hiding your real 'spirituality'. I've come out of the ‘spiritual closet’ in many ways, but my oh my - there is more to go, and I can’t hold it in anymore (thanks Rebecca Campbell!).
It’s silly really, there are millions of us that are out there sharing their spiritual connection and divinity (even if sometimes lacking authenticity) - yet, there are lifetimes to clear of karma, where we were burnt at the stake for sharing our mysticism and magic. So naturally, it hurts.
Two weeks ago, I had a soul photography session with Hayley Melrose, and my heart opened wider than ever before. It was an initiation, standing in who I really am, and being photographed while doing it. I've not been professionally photographed really ever, it felt wild and edgy for me. Afterwards I felt so alive, the trees were so vivid and nature was vibrating around us. When I got home, I contracted big time, I went into a little shell of where I had been. My heart felt in pain for being so open, and for the next two weeks I walked through the burn, and am still walking through, crawling...
It feels like equal parts blood being drawn from my gut and womb, and ecstasy beaming from my heart and out into every cell. My eyes are so bright and clear, its the biggest paradox ever.
How can I feel so much pain yet so alive. How can this feel worth it even when I'm on my knees, crying? Because my soul is free within me, my spirit soaring - I'm liberated. My human ego is just catching up, I'm evolving and integrating and becoming whole.
I've been pretending in ways, hiding myself out of mostly fear of what other people will think. Mostly what family, old colleagues and friends will think. I'm realising that all needs to dissolve, if I truly desire to stand in the fire with my soul tribe and make change in the world. So, here goes, here's where I've been pretending...
I can’t pretend I don’t have huge gifts and inner wisdom to share far and wide. I can’t pretend that the world isn’t aching for someone, just like me, to contribute all of me. I can’t pretend that there isn’t pain in every corner of this earth, needing healing and transformation, no matter the level of privilege or disadvantage. The pain is everywhere, you don’t have to be a self proclaimed ‘intuitive' to feel that. It smacks you in the face as you walk around every day, we’re all intuitive.
I can’t pretend that the cycles of the moon, the sun, and the galaxies don’t affect me, I can’t pretend I'm not sensitive to my environment, the online and real life communities I'm a part of, or the wi-fi radiation we’re surrounded by.
I can’t pretend that I want to drink every weekend, online date and just 'have fun', and be a ‘cool’ kid that 'fits in' anymore.
I can’t pretend that I don’t have the ability to see, hear and feel what many would perhaps find strange, weird and witchy.
I can’t pretend I’m not a channel for divine guidance.
I can’t pretend that I’m not super supported by the angelic realms, and galactic energies. I can't pretend that in the last week (and months) I've had loud and clear signs from the angels in the numbers 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 666, 777, 888 and 999 (look up spiritual meanings) - in multiples and one after the other, on number plates and checking the time. Like an overwhelming amount!
I can’t pretend that my soul doesn’t exist, and isn’t living and breathing in my human body, integrated, and burning with passion that must be expressed.
I can’t pretend that I don’t receive insights, flashes of guidance, words and statements, magical visuals or messages from the gods and goddesses - anymore.
I can't pretend I don't hold an incredible space for healing and transformation across every level of the being - mind, body, spirit, soul and energy. That my energy field isn't pure for this.
I cant pretend I'm a mediocre yoga teacher that's 'too new'.
I can't pretend that I'm not deeply connected to the energy of the earth, the waters and nature all around me.
I can’t pretend that I'm here to live a small life, in a small box, doing the same small thing forever.
I can’t pretend that others aren't missing their opportunity to break free from their small box too. And live big, with their big gifts.
I can’t pretend that I don’t believe I'm creating my reality, in every single way, and that its not possible to create it however I like.
I know that all of this is my truth, not just sometimes in some circles, but all of the time, in all of the places. This is who I am, and I'm not making excuses for that anymore. No more pretending.
I am joyous here, I am free on the inside - at my core, and I am in love with the grace of who I am - ready and waiting to ignite the same within you.
This is the real me. This is me in my highest potential.
This is me stepping up, shining bright, and being radiant so that you can feel me, relate to me, and choose to connect with me.
This is me sharing it all, so you know you can BE it too.
Nothing is ever what it seems, everything is almost the opposite, so question everything, and create your own dazzling destiny. Even if it takes blood, sweat and tears. Even if sometimes you feel alone. It’ll be worth it.
Please, check out my new re-vamped and radiant website, my new visuals that tell my story and share my pure heart intention, and most of all - see (and feel) if the inner freedom journey is for you, or someone you love.
Here is how you can work with me, is this exactly what you've been looking for? Inner Freedom Journeys
Here is my free audio series, so you can begin journeying with me through guided deep meditation and activation.
I'll be creating and launching more beautiful offerings very soon, especially for young women, so watch this space.
Thank you, so very much, for accepting me as I am, and for supporting me as I grow this big dream.